My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
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Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
This makes total sense…
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Breaking news:
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.