try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
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Wikigenius
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD