My life in a nutshell
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Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Ugh
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw