My support group can outdrink your support group.
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Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”