Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
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PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit