You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
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I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
ok like just. call me at this point
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.