Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
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[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now