My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
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Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Pretty much! 😂👀
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic