[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
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I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.