Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
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There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Only short people can save us
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams