Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
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I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”