and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
You Might Also Like
Well, this is awkward
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this