Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
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My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
beware of dog
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Leaving the Barbers like
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.