I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
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Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.