All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
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in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Happy Febuary everyone!
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
The human personality is made of five key elements
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.