I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
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I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.