Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
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me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade