Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
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HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.