Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
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exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
#gardening
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.