I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
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lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
This is my cat’s medicine.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same