No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
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Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes