*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
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They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!