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May have had one breakfast too many
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Genius idea!!