I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
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We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I have obtained a hat
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.