According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
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Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.