Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
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*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]