Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
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Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
the red hot silly peppers
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
New tinder profile pic
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?