6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
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Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.