Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
You Might Also Like
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
That earthquake could have been an email.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
me hitting on a model
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy