(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
You Might Also Like
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Good advice.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?