I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
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[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
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*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
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Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
That took me a moment.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.