Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
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I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
How dude HOW?!
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY