I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
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Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.