Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
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I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
*offers Batman cough drops*
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*