Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
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How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
this is how life feels
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”