Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
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DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.