Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
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I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
mmm onion ringos