“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
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My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily