guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
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inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.