Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
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I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
From my Mom
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like