We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
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My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
first you must answer his riddles
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
The pasta is now
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.