“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
You Might Also Like
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.