[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
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The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything