Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
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“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.