Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
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My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Me trying to look natural in photos
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go