I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
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I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
*names my little horse OneTrick*
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good