The smoothest fall of all time
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“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.