If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
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Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Oh the world we live in…
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage