Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
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*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?