professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
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doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.